To love or not to love…

I’ve been pondering this post for, well, almost seven weeks. One of my favorite bloggers, capclassique, invited one of her avid followers, Santaslil (yes, all bloggers talk in code) to guest blog. His entry “Perfect Mate” got me thinking—big time, as you can tell from my massive commentary on the entry.

I don’t pretend to know the first thing about Star Trek so I can’t comment on the message implied by the referenced scene. But when it comes to relationships, I’ve ridden the ups and downs—and even been through a few muddy trenches—so I think I have a valid opinion on the matter at hand.

Obvious by my initial commentary, I was strongly opposed to the concept that love was a decision you could commit to. How can you control or decide on a feeling? You either connect with someone or you don’t, it’s not up to you who that person is.

This made me consider my past relationships and what it is that held me there—or didn’t. Sometimes I had made a decision to love thinking it was the best course for me. At other times it was an emotional connection that drew me in and I ignored my subconscious telling me it was a bad move. Therefore, I couldn’t comprehend how anyone could explain or stand behind this idea of commitment. And being cursed with a genetic handicap of indecisiveness, I wasn’t sure if I, personally, would ever be capable of such a feat.

In the entry, Santaslil quotes M. Scott Peck in reference to his ex: “Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves, does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving, whether or not the loving feeling is present.”

The discussion between me and Santaslil revolved around the balance of commitment and inexplicable attraction. And I couldn’t even commit to an opinion on the matter. I wanted to believe that making a decision to love someone was possible; but it went against my long-trusted confidence in intuition and emotion to guide me through life’s toughest decisions—something that may sound like a cop-out to those of rational mind, but for me, my subconscious knows best and has never led me astray. My decisions to listen or ignore it on the other hand…

One of his responses brought a lot of insight. He said: “The interesting thing is, passion alone, can pass for love, just as intimacy can. Either of these separately, or combined can trick us into thinking we have love, but it is only the passage of time that will help us reach that point where true love is achieved…by committing.”

Weeks later this concept had receded to the back of my mind. SS and I were talking pretty seriously about our thoughts, feelings and some of our past experiences that turned us into what we are today. I know little about SS’s past relationships, and contrary to previous relationships, I’m ok with it. It took a while to understand, but I realized it is because I don’t have anything to worry about. In the past, my “e-sense”—that’s what I named my intuition—was always on its guard, and for good reason. None of the pain or discomfort I experienced in relationships ever showed up undetected—it was ignored.

I feel no reason to be on my guard… because there is none. For the first time, my conscience and intuition have made peace. I am with a man who I feel an emotional and inexplicable (“always trust the inexplicable” is my motto) connection to. And at the same time, I have a deep respect and admiration for who he was as a person and what he stands for. He is a good man. (And the first thing he’ll disagree with in this entry is my referring to him as a man.)

I remember looking at him and thinking, “I am going to love this man.” And like an internal smack to the brain, I understood what it meant to commit to love. And it wasn’t a hard decision to make; I was listening to what my heart wants and what my brain thinks is a good idea. And I feel lucky that they finally agree.

Back to the Star Trek example: They weren’t so lucky, but at least the alien-chick (I’m so clueless about this show!) was able to find a way to reconcile her conflict, kinda. If she couldn’t bond with the man she was destined to appease, than she had at least experienced both at some point in her life. Right? Better to have bonded and then married someone else, than to… oh whatever.

I think I am still torn on the topic, but I’ve accepted that that’s normal. Loving someone is a combination of attraction and commitment. Without both, you are doomed to go nowhere. The attraction holds you together when your willpower is weak, but that commitment is what helps you drive on through the obstacles that plop themselves in front of your couple-dom.

Eh?

Well, those are my thoughts at least. Capclassique has her own opinion on the matter as well: “Choosing to Love.” And for me, what stands out in this entry is not her decision to love versus falling in love—which she makes clear. It’s her attitude. Being open to love will bring it into your life… whether it’s a choice or a free-fall!