Tag Archives: capclassique

To love or not to love…

22 Apr

I’ve been pondering this post for, well, almost seven weeks. One of my favorite bloggers, capclassique, invited one of her avid followers, Santaslil (yes, all bloggers talk in code) to guest blog. His entry “Perfect Mate” got me thinking—big time, as you can tell from my massive commentary on the entry.

I don’t pretend to know the first thing about Star Trek so I can’t comment on the message implied by the referenced scene. But when it comes to relationships, I’ve ridden the ups and downs—and even been through a few muddy trenches—so I think I have a valid opinion on the matter at hand.

Obvious by my initial commentary, I was strongly opposed to the concept that love was a decision you could commit to. How can you control or decide on a feeling? You either connect with someone or you don’t, it’s not up to you who that person is.

This made me consider my past relationships and what it is that held me there—or didn’t. Sometimes I had made a decision to love thinking it was the best course for me. At other times it was an emotional connection that drew me in and I ignored my subconscious telling me it was a bad move. Therefore, I couldn’t comprehend how anyone could explain or stand behind this idea of commitment. And being cursed with a genetic handicap of indecisiveness, I wasn’t sure if I, personally, would ever be capable of such a feat.

In the entry, Santaslil quotes M. Scott Peck in reference to his ex: “Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves, does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving, whether or not the loving feeling is present.”

The discussion between me and Santaslil revolved around the balance of commitment and inexplicable attraction. And I couldn’t even commit to an opinion on the matter. I wanted to believe that making a decision to love someone was possible; but it went against my long-trusted confidence in intuition and emotion to guide me through life’s toughest decisions—something that may sound like a cop-out to those of rational mind, but for me, my subconscious knows best and has never led me astray. My decisions to listen or ignore it on the other hand…

One of his responses brought a lot of insight. He said: “The interesting thing is, passion alone, can pass for love, just as intimacy can. Either of these separately, or combined can trick us into thinking we have love, but it is only the passage of time that will help us reach that point where true love is achieved…by committing.”

Weeks later this concept had receded to the back of my mind. SS and I were talking pretty seriously about our thoughts, feelings and some of our past experiences that turned us into what we are today. I know little about SS’s past relationships, and contrary to previous relationships, I’m ok with it. It took a while to understand, but I realized it is because I don’t have anything to worry about. In the past, my “e-sense”—that’s what I named my intuition—was always on its guard, and for good reason. None of the pain or discomfort I experienced in relationships ever showed up undetected—it was ignored.

I feel no reason to be on my guard… because there is none. For the first time, my conscience and intuition have made peace. I am with a man who I feel an emotional and inexplicable (“always trust the inexplicable” is my motto) connection to. And at the same time, I have a deep respect and admiration for who he was as a person and what he stands for. He is a good man. (And the first thing he’ll disagree with in this entry is my referring to him as a man.)

I remember looking at him and thinking, “I am going to love this man.” And like an internal smack to the brain, I understood what it meant to commit to love. And it wasn’t a hard decision to make; I was listening to what my heart wants and what my brain thinks is a good idea. And I feel lucky that they finally agree.

Back to the Star Trek example: They weren’t so lucky, but at least the alien-chick (I’m so clueless about this show!) was able to find a way to reconcile her conflict, kinda. If she couldn’t bond with the man she was destined to appease, than she had at least experienced both at some point in her life. Right? Better to have bonded and then married someone else, than to… oh whatever.

I think I am still torn on the topic, but I’ve accepted that that’s normal. Loving someone is a combination of attraction and commitment. Without both, you are doomed to go nowhere. The attraction holds you together when your willpower is weak, but that commitment is what helps you drive on through the obstacles that plop themselves in front of your couple-dom.

Eh?

Well, those are my thoughts at least. Capclassique has her own opinion on the matter as well: “Choosing to Love.” And for me, what stands out in this entry is not her decision to love versus falling in love—which she makes clear. It’s her attitude. Being open to love will bring it into your life… whether it’s a choice or a free-fall!

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Rooster’s Wake-Up Call

9 Apr

Today I woke up in the wrong mood: I was exhausted. It was pouring out. I have a lot to do at work.

As I went through my morning ritual of checking e-mail, horoscopes and FB (the “news” as SS calls it), I read a quote from a friend that said “the difference between having a good day and a bad day is your attitude.” And I thought, “yeah yeah I know.” It’s a statement that I would—and have—preach(ed)…but only when I’m in a good attitude, of course. And then I said to myself—in my head as I didn’t want to sound crazy at work—”When I’m not is the exact time I should practice it.” So I put a smile on my face… it was fake, but a smile nonetheless.

Then I decided to take some time to catch up on some of capclassique‘s recent blog entries. (I follow blogs in spurts—I’m dedicated to them, but I tend to sit down and read like 10 at a time.) This one stood out to me: Focus on Joy: Day 1. Both her words, intentions and the adorable photo of Marcus, made me smile—and it was genuine.

Someone, somewhere knew I needed a pick me up today. And I got it… thank you.

With that said, here’s what makes me smile (Day 1).

If you don’t me that well, I’ve recently become kinda obsessed with getting a dog. After fostering a one-and-a-half-year-old puggle for six months, I discovered how much joy and love a dog can bring to your life. He came to me at a time I needed him and he needed me. And he left right as I was transitioning into what I now realize was a new time in my life. We helped each other, and moved on. How effin romantic, right? But knowing how much pleasure it is to have a lil pup welcome you every time you come home… and come upstairs… and come back from the kitchen… and come out of the shower… I really want one in my life. And unfortunately for Grandma, I want one in my life even though I have SS. (My grandma stated at one point during this foster arrangement that she wanted me to get a new boyfriend so I wouldn’t need the pup. Thanks Grandma. Needless to say, she didn’t fall for Max as much as I did—though she did much more than she ever thought she would…)

So yesterday, after hearing that an old colleague had puppies he was giving away, I got on a dog search and started looking at rescue foundations in the area and researching different breeds. In my search I found this guy. He’s not the dog for me as the rescue place notes possessive food guarding issues and doesn’t get along with cats… but how effin cute is he? And the best part… get this… his name is ROOSTER! OMG… seriously! Doesn’t it give you warm fuzzies inside?

Well, just looking at Rooster cheered me up even more today. Thanks Rooster.

Bloggers Unite!

3 Mar

They say “when one door closes, another one opens.” blah blah blah.

When my last relationship ended, I went through the typical process: mourning, partying, resenting, complaining, etc, etc. You know, I was a girl. But what I also did was blog.

In my blogging antics, I stumbled upon “Nine: Counting from Nine.” Its creator, Le Bonheur, had also turned to the web to digest her break-up. The more I read, the more I thought, ‘I know what you mean,’ and felt a little bit better.

Through her blog comments, I also discovered and started following “The Rules of Breakup.” Another single gal (who also happens to be an editor) dealing with the loss of “hunky.” What are the rules of breakup you say? As you will see on her site, they are stated as:

  1. Remember what you love. Do it.
  2. Access your inner hottie.
  3. Do stuff that scares and surprises you.
  4. Get out there, even when you don’t feel ready.
  5. Have a safe haven. Make it pretty.
  6. Do all the things you never had time for in the relationship.
  7. No wallowing.
  8. Laugh at something every day.

I found her entries to be just as comforting as our mutual reader/writer, Le Bonheur—and her British/Aussie terminology to be quite enjoyable, leaving me nostalgic for England, my home away from home.

Why am I saying all this? Well, even though I don’t even know these gals’ names, not to mention anything about their personal lives, I do know how they dealt with their struggles. In the anonymous online world of words, I found comfort and validation in a couple of ladies who were faced with emotional adversity and had the determination and strength to stand up to it. They are tough when they need to be and are always looking forward, even when they (and by they, I really mean “we”) encounter an emotional setback.

In a way, I feel like I went through these experiences with them. When one of the gals began dating again, I giggled at her accomplishment. When the other reached a peak of contentment living on her own, my heart smiled inside. And when I commented on an entry about a new SS I had recently met, I know the happy response was genuine. (I note that since my blog is not anonymous, I do not discuss my relationships openly here… so maybe this is a little one-sided… but that’s why I love to comment!)

I must admit my new reading/writing/work schedule in the past couple months has set me back on my daily reading. But sitting down to see what these girls have been up is one of my favorite and most relaxing pasttimes.

With that said, I received a comment on yesterday’s entry from capclassique and in it she mentioned that “I won an award.” (See “You like me, you really like me!” on Champagne for Breakfast.) My reaction… I am totally and utterly flattered. I tend to feel that I write to an empty screen and I am sure many days I do. But on those days that I see my stats peak and a new comment pop up, I am completely tickled.

And for that, I would like to recommend the above mentioned blogs to all my followers. (Like I said, some days it’s good, some, not so much!) Not only entertaining, these gals have a grasp on life and interaction that only someone who has rode the roller coaster of love/life can accomplish.

Thanks girls… and enjoy your ride, both the highs and lows…

And coming from someone who happens to be wearing a huge smile at the peak… what a ride it is, what a ride!

(NaBLoPoMo Note: Do I even need to note what this fits the “strangers” theme?)