Who gets the kids?

26 Jan

After my last break-up (I guess it’s called the second to last now) I fostered a dog. While I was already on my way to being a-ok, that smushy little face kicked my mood into hyperspeed and, in a way, saved me. Considering his owner had just given him up to move, I felt like I saved him too. In a sense of fate, we were there for each other when we both needed some extra love and a warm body to cuddle with at night. (He used to sleep next to me under the blankets like a person; it was ADORRRRRABLE!)

One my way home the other day thinking about SS’s abrupt good-bye, I said to myself, “I’m so glad I have my kitty at home waiting for me.” And she was waiting for me, ready to play.

However, as I stood there teasing her with her favorite turkey toy, I welled up. Although I had adopted her, the kitty had always felt like “ours.”

I had been wanting a pet. A dog was out of the question, but SS’s love for cats reminded me how much I always adored them growing up. So when my mom found out about an adorable grey and white kitten up for adoption, I was sold. She moved in during the time SS was staying with me, and having never raised a cat on my own before, he was my go-to guy for kitty-proofing, food/litter/toy selection and nail care management.

She wasn’t just mine; she was ours.

The following month when he moved back to the city to recoop, kitty and I joined. I was there to run the errands; she was there to entertain and love. He adored her — she was his “babygirl.”

When I had a dream one night that we broke up, he humorously responded to my fear with “Who got the cat?” I laughed stating clearly that she was mine and he said, “Doesn’t she get a say?”

It might have been a joke, but playing with her the other night with tears in my eyes I couldn’t help but wonder, if it was up to the kitty, who would she choose? He was the perfect playmate, always on the couch with a toy or laser light in hand, but when it came time to snuggle she prefered my armpits and neck. I guess she recognized us for what we were good at — he’s drawn towards external stimulation while I’m a big emotional smush. (Perfect opposites eh?)

When you break-up with someone you are prepared for certain activities, sights, sounds and memories to make your eyes leak. But I wasn’t prepared to miss him because of the cat. Going to bed that night, with her purring on my shoulder, it felt more than ever like someone was missing…

And when she climbed into her travel box the next morning and looked at me I wondered if she was thinking “Can we go see SS?”

“I wish babygirl, I wish!”

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What the stars say…

26 Jan

I get my horoscope to my inbox everyday. Actually I get three or four a day, most of them from Astrology.com (iVillage) and CaliforniaPsychics.com.

Sometimes they are hesitant and I chose to ignore them. Other times they are just what I need to hear, so I print them and hang them where I can see them all day long.

They may be BS… but it’s never BS to surround yourself with positive thoughts and messages.

Yesterday’s…

and today’s…

FRIENDS!

25 Jan

Being here again reminded me of my NaBloPoMo days. For fun, I headed to the website to check out January’s theme…

by Jolante (flickr)

FRIENDS.

It made me smile as that is exactly what I am grateful for this week. Anytime an emotional obstacle rears its head, it’s your friends that pick you up, distract you and keep you going when you get the sudden urge to stop. I want to say that this “reminded me who my friends are,” but I already know who they are 🙂

Someone said to me yesterday, “now you have time to focus on you and your girlfriends.” Instinctively I started to agree, but stopped myself. “Not really, that was never missing,” I said.

The reclamation of my time and focus usually brings me comfort after a break-up, providing a positive in a dark time. But for the first time I never really gave up my time. It was a combination of not losing focus on myself and my friends, and him never pushing me for it.

Acknowledging this took my positivity down a few notches — this was something that is important to me, and I had just lost it. I had lost someone who offered me something that I needed in coupledom as well as a crutch for moving on.

I am grateful to have had that, even if just for a short time.

It also made me realize that I don’t feel the urge to turn to him for comfort. Having the person you relied on to ease you for so long suddenly disappear from your life tends to be one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up. But I haven’t felt that urge…

I guess my friends are just that good!

THANK YOU ladies!!

Happy Tears

25 Jan

I started this blog last year after stumbling on a couple of blogger’s who were documenting their recent break-ups. I admired the connections and support system they created for themselves, anonymously. I wanted a sense of anonymity (as a writer, I know I am Googled; I don’t want everything showing up), and so, even though I was in a giddy new relationship state of mind, I began Morning Eggs. Sometimes, without realizing it, you create just the thing you are going to need, without knowing why you’ll need it.

And as I am typing this, the perfect example came up. I received a message from one of the blogger’s who inspired Eggs after reading my last post on here.

It read:

Hey there, I just wanted to say, I saw your latest blog, and I’m sorry.

You know I’ve been there with the whole not-having-a-say-in-the-breakup thing. It BLOWS.

Good luck with the rough patch and the tequila drinking and the Ben and Jerry’s phase. You’ve read all my advice, so you don’t even need me to tell it to you all over again. So all I will say are the two things that might make you feel even a teensy bit better: 1. I’m so sorry. 2. You won’t feel shitty forever. Promise.

As I read it, I shed my first tears of the day. They were happy tears for having received such a thoughtful message from someone who doesn’t even know me personally. She could relate and cared enough to say it.

Happy tears are a pretty good start to the day.

And just like that…

25 Jan

by dvs (flickr)

You often hear people say something comes out of nowhere… left field… the blue. I am not one of those people. Nothing is out of nowhere when you are paying attention. But some things still take you by surprise!

SS and I are no longer together. From the outside, one might say it looked like it came… out of the blue. In the past month we spent the holidays together at his parent’s house, spent a weekend with his friends at his buddy’s place and were spending the weeks together at his [current] apt in the city.

Basically, too much, too soon… and I had no idea!

Two weeks from now marks our would-be one-year anniversary. Something that I must confess I was feeling slightly nervous about. Call it intuition, instinct or just plain ‘paying attention,’ I knew something was up. There was distance growing; the more I pushed to close it the more he pulled away. (What would John Gray say? That guy is really on to something.)

My initial reaction was one of rejection and sadness. Soon though, it turned to anger. The anger didn’t evolve from the rejection (as typical as that reaction may be in humans) but rather I was angry that he had given us such little regard after close to a year, that he gave up. All our time, commitment and affections were cut away in a 9-minute phone convo.

I had also felt some tension between us. But I had stopped and thought about our situation: stuck inside during the middle of winter, unable to exercise, dealing with stress at work and he still had no permanent home… we were basically as low as we could get, or at least as low as we’d ever been together. I’d have felt more worried about us if we had been chipper and giddy every night. Tension was inevitable and considering the conditions, spending more time apart would have benefited even the happiest of couples — forget two independent people living on top of each other in a small, small space (and I didn’t even have to be there).

All things considered, stress on the relationship should be expected and any doubts, in my mind at least, deserved a conversation. We were in this together, I wanted a chance to work on it, or end it, together. How could my concerns stand as motive for ‘termination’ if I hadn’t yet voiced them to him? And how could I write off the positives over the past couple months because of a tough couple of weeks? Ending a relationship with someone I still loved and admired without giving us the chance to conquer the roadblock as a team wasn’t an option in my mind.

For him it was apparently the only option.

I can’t help but wonder if him ending it with me was a result of his feelings (or lack thereof), acknowledgment of our differences and mismatch as a couple or I was just the only stressor that he could cut out of his life. Was it the result of a stressful week amid a frustrating situation during what is (historically) a tough time of year for him and relationships?? Or did he not love me anymore and forgot to mention that too.

People hit obstacles in all aspects of their life. Whether it’s a struggle at work, dealing with family or relationship doubts, it’s always the same test: Do you cut, run and start over? Or do stop, evaluate your foundation and, if it’s worth it, try to fix it?

I’m a fixer. I think anything I see some good in deserves a chance to flourish. But this time its not a matter of ‘am I able to’ but rather ‘should I?’ How can I fight for someone who doesn’t want to fight for me?

SS moves in….

30 Aug

… for a couple days.

For the past two years, SS has been planning a major renovation to his apt. This project was in the works long before we met, and has him very excited.

The past six months have been interspersed with architect meetings, permit applications, visits to kitchen showrooms, samples from Home Depot and god knows what other legal dealings he had to take care of to get his dream abode on the runway. Oh, and for the past few months he’s been living in a place full of holes that the contractor requested he create so he could figure out if the architect’s plans were feasible. (You should have seen me bounce out of the bed when I was there alone and heard a scamper in the wall. Ooooooh boy!)

So after years of anticipation, today’s the day! SS left his apt his morning never to see it the same again!

We got up early to finish the last of the emptying — moving the mattress out back and the rest of his belongings into my car — and as he got ready for work, three “gorillas” showed up armed to demolish the place. (Apparently they were the voiceovers for the “Snatch” cast.)

As luck would have it, he’s got a few weeks of travel planned so finding a place to stay isn’t necessary, except for the next couple nights. And I’m the lucky one! (No, I’m not being sarcastic!)

I am also the unlucky one. His trips and my cross-country road trip overlap so I won’t be seeing my SS for a good three and half weeks or so. I think subconsciously it’s taken a toll on me.

Travel, no matter how well planned, always comes with a small black hole: There is always the potential for an unknown outcome. It’s this unknown possibility that triggers my desire to visit somewhere new. But it also instills fear. A good kind of fear. The kind that leaves you sitting on the edge of your seat wide-eyed craving more.

I guess from that perspective, it’s not completely abnormal to feel a sense of stress about watching the one you love fly off one way, while you drive the other.

I am going to miss him. But at the same time I couldn’t be more excited for his vacation. Having lived abroad, I understand the “travel-bug” and what it can do to a person when left unfulfilled. It’s not pretty! It’s the reason that I’ll be singing in the car with my little brother somewhere amid the rocky peaks of the West when SS’s plane touches back down in NY. We may be off on different journeys for the next month, but his sense of adventure is one of the things that draws me to him.

It’s a trip he’s be anticipating for a long time. Just like the renovation, it was part of him before we met!

And just like his brand-new shiny apartment, I’ll awaiting his return.

When wearing sequins, do you dance or watch?

27 Aug

Earlier this week SS and I, along with a few of his friends, went to the Scissor Sisters’ show at Terminal 5!! The show was fantastic for a number of reasons.

1) The band is fantastic. If you’d have asked my opinion on them a month ago I’d have said, “who?” But when SS got a notice for pre-sale tickets, I committed to learning — and liking — their music. And I fulfilled my duty. Their music is described as being a mix of “disco, glam rock and the New York City club scene.” And that pretty much sums it up!

2) It was at Terminal 5, which apparently used to be a club and offers that exact vibe. Similar to the ballroom venues in the city, it’s open floor with two mezzanine levels and NO SEATS! This is the best part. What’s a surefire way of making sure your audience is standing and dancing?? Book a venue without seats. We walked around, hit up a few different bars and DANCED! And since I was in the middle of reading  Notes From The Night by Taylor Plimpton, a book about the NYC club scene, I was really craving a night out at such a venue.

3) I got to wear my sequined top that MJay gifted to me over a year ago — which I received a number of compliments on.

4) SS hit the dance floor with me! 🙂

Other highlights of the night included a very flamboyant man who seemed fascinated with my “twirl” and stood to the side for a while encouraging me to twirl. Being sober and extremely acute of the silliness of the situation, I entertained him for a while and proceeded to innocently go back to getting my groove on.

The night also made me think.

Reading Plimpton’s analysis of the club scene in his book made me acutely aware of the atmosphere around me. Part of what he talks about in his book is the transition from normal everyday reality to the reality of the club scene, a transition influenced by atmosphere, drugs and energy. When discussing the end of a night of clubbing, he talks about the reality that hits when the lights are turned on, when people are forced to see things for what they are. I think it’s the similar to watching an event full of intoxicated people from a sober standpoint.

It was two-thirds of the way into the concert and we had ventured up to the second floor to find a new bar and in a new view. There was a lot more room up to dance… and watch! Standing in front of me was a guy with his shirt off dancing like he belonged behind them on stage. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone; he was just lost in a moment of having fun. At the other end of the aisle was a girl and guy grinding their way through beats on a small staircase. (Yeah, not safe!) Everyone who passed stopped to watch. They didn’t care; they were just living in the moment. It made me smile.

At the same time, I caught a couple girls sitting along the balcony watching the stage intently. All around us there were people trying to capture cell phone pics. And some people were just watching the crowd. They also made me smile.

There was such a distinct contrast between people who were “living in the moment” and “watching the moment.” I reckon this is noticeable everywhere, even though most of us never take note. And I began to wonder where I fit in more.

Am I a “liver” or a “watcher?”

I would like to think I am a liver. Isn’t it natural to want to think we live our lives to the fullest? But there are times I can recall in which I, objectively, watched! And a little bit of me is embarrassed about that. Why would I be an onlooker when I can be in the middle of the action?? Unless, maybe we all need a bit of both?

What are you? A watcher or a liver (not the body part!)?