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Your beads?? Seriously??

16 Feb

Beads? You want your beads?

My mental response when I received a text from SS asking about some beads he brought back from holiday may have been over-reactive but the fact that the “man” (I use that word loosely when referring to his communication abilities) couldn’t have cared less if we ever spoke again but yet was worried about some stupid bracelet INFURIATES me! He travels around the world trying to add depth to his life, striving and jumping through hoops to see far off places to impress those around him, yet he consistently turns his back on the people he claims to have feelings for, without a second glance…

I’m guessing he wouldn’t have even asked for the beads if I hadn’t texted him first to tell him I found another bag of his stuff. I’ve never watched someone shy and run from confrontation, of any sort, with such determination. Never witnessed such naiveté about how to manage relationships in life, as in “if you ignore it, it’ll all just go away.”

Unfortunately, I haven’t gone away; I still exist just like all the others… We may not be in your life, but we’re in your memory, no matter how much crap you cover us with.

Unless you are running. I never considered it from that angle… Did you cut and run before I could? Did you recognize we needed work and it terrified you? Is it all because someone else ran from you in the past?

You never have us a shot… not from the beginning, did you?

It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Your bag of crap is here and your precious, life-defining memorabilia from NK is probably here somewhere too. I’m not angry enough to throw any of it away out of spite; but I just don’t care enough to bring to you.

Grow up SS!! Be the man you think you are!


The Big Talk

8 Feb

Last week SS and I sat down to rehash the relationship…

Or at least I did. From the look of it, he was there to re-hydrate himself, as he kept escaping to the kitchen to refill his water cup every ten minutes, and to appease my demand that after almost a year (a year today actually) we deserved more than a 9-minute phone conversation. Even he couldn’t rationalize himself out of that one — and he’s a damn good rationalizer.

Whether his effort to talk was sincere to not, he was unable to do it. And with five days past I feel such little emotional connection to the situation that I am going to just go ahead and summarize this in bullet points. Yes B&Gs, I’m bulleting the post-breakup closure talk. Or at least the parts that pissed me off. I think my detached ex would actually appreciate this — well he would appreciate the format, if I wasn’t summarizing his shortcomings that is.

— He tried to turn the break-up around on me. When, in all honesty, I could care less who wants to take the blame. Whether it was his doing or mine, the fact that there was a ridiculously strong lack of communication we are both to blame – even if I was willing and trying. (And if he really meant he only wanted a “break,” then he should have treated it as such and fought for me.)

— He had been trying over the past few months when he was apparently not 100% about us. And if I had asked at any point in our relationship if he was 100%, he would have told me no. All I had to do was ask… I had to ask my boyfriend how he felt about me. Silly me had just relied on his “I love you toos” to mean what they said.

— He is incapable of talking – and those are his words, as well as mine.

It’s the last comment that really threw me in different directions. When we started dating he was affectionate, vocal and forthcoming about his interest in me. (One date 3/ 4 we went skiing/snowboarding and as he hugged be good-bye when I dropped him off he said, “I’m so glad we found each other.” It is was one of the moments that stands out as pivotal in my falling for him.) It wasn’t always in words, but sometimes it came in the form of e-mail, SMS, sweet treats and flowers, once! Through out early discussions (yep, we had discussions), we came to the clear conclusion that we expressed ourselves in very different ways and had to learn to recognize each other’s affections. So I continued writing cards, notes and digging for something deeper. He continued to take me to dinner, on vacations and let me live in his life, such as staying in his apt when he was away, as if it might one day become “ours.”

And that is what I miss; I miss the potential “ours.” I liked our life together, our day-to-day, the defragging over dinners, playing with the cat at night, falling asleep to TV (sometimes; other times it drove me insane). Of course I miss those things, that’s what we were made up of. At some point months ago, the emotional connection we were slowly on our way to developing was halted, and I never got memo, because he couldn’t talk about it.

I had so many things to say, so much anger to let out (I took spin class prior to the talk to avoid unleashing it all on him, smart eh? It backfired; I was running a fever for 24 hours afterwards.) but the second I asked for answers, a look of panic… uneasiness… distress crossed his face. It broke my heart. And being the way I am (I recognize other’s feelings very easily and can’t help but try to put them at ease.), I backed down. How could I get upset with someone for mishandling a relationship that he barely knew he was in, not to mention had no idea how to handle. I can’t claim to know a thing about his past relationships, but being I am the third girl he’s ended things with in about three years time, I can’t help but think I’m not the first to want something from him that he can’t offer.

It was hope that held me there so long. It was the quick drunken affections, the occasional I Love Yous – or “This is why I love you” preludes – that kept me holding on. I know in my heart and soul that the expression is there, just buried so deep that it’s transformed into something unrecognizable. All I needed with a glimpse and a push to unveil it, and I feel like we could have had it all.

He said at one point in the conversation he knew he couldn’t meet my needs. And in his mind, he was right – in my mind he was wrong; he could, he just wouldn’t. I had been holding out for something that is under lock and key. I had been holding out for something someone has no idea how to give.

The hope peaked its head as I sat there in tears, streaming the feelings I had been dealing with over the past months. I caught him staring at me with a sense of compassion; for an instant we had a connection… before he cut away. It made me want to fight harder… But again, I was the only one fighting!

Watching his discomfort made me realize that we were at different levels. While I had always felt he was more mature and established than I am because he owned an apt, is absurdly well traveled and can pay off his CC’s each month, I was ignoring the other aspect of our personalities. The side that I dedicate to learning and progressing mentally and emotionally to not repeat the same mistakes twice; the one where he wants it “to be easy because he thinks so much at work.”

I truly believe that when it’s right, it is easy. But its still work. It is work with the reward of a fulfillment and happiness that no amount of money, extreme adventure or gourmet dinner can compare to.

It is ridiculously hard to put yourself out there. Anyone who has taken the time to get to know me, knows I’ve been down that road and back without a seatbelt on. But if you don’t keep throwing yourself out there, how do you know when you find someone tough enough strong enough for you?

I guess that’s what I am holding out for.

Dating Advice…

2 Feb

We all read dating blogs… well at least most of the people who read this do. (What were you searching that brought you here, eh?)

I’m finally venturing off to take on a project I have long wanted to do… the details are still in the works, but I need your help.

When reading dating blogs, what do you want to read about? Others stories and tales? Advice and opinions? Date ideas?? I want to hear your opinion… email me at: or comment here. I especially want to hear from people in NYC…


Where is MY Thank You?

30 Jan

Over the past couple months, SS’s house has been under renovation and he underwent surgery. Course I didn’t mind that he spent two months living at my house and I was happy to drive him to his surgery and to his parents and random trips on the weekends, etc. Living out of a bag in the apt in the city to help him get around at the beginning wasn’t too bad either. Isn’t that what you do in a relationship? Support each other?

by vistamommy (flickr)

It wasn’t until he posted a thank you message on his FB account expressing appreciation for everyone at work ‘who holds doors open and gets him food and drinks,’ that I suddenly felt somewhat underappreciated.

Why didn’t I get a thank you SS?

No thank you for giving up a long weekend to take you to surgery and drive a couple hours away so you could stay at your parents for a week. What about spending a weekend going home to get my car to drive back and pick you up to drive 2 hours away to go to a party where I knew no one and had to meet your ex-gf and then drive back, drop you off and get my car back home the next day.

YOU NEVER SAID Thank You. And to be quite honest, it pisses me off!

I told him this the day after the big break-up. His response was that I had never mentioned it before. Fair point SS, fair point. I am also aware that I offered to do these things. By no means was I obligated, nor did you request anything from me — well, except for a place to stay and for me to come stay with you in city… hmmm — but I did it because I wanted to help and because I loved you.

But even after I pointed this out to him, he still couldn’t say Thank You.

I think, at least in my opinion, when someone goes out of there way for you, they shouldn’t have to speak up in order to feel a sense of gratitude.

The Facebook Unfriending

30 Jan

Facebook is the devil… especially in the break-up process. Every post feels like a personal dig and each photo or video is a reminder that your ex is continuing life without you — and true or not, it always feels like they’ve already forgotten about you.

I took myself out of our abruptly-ended relationship and returned to my previous unlisted status (I’m not a fan of the FB relationship listing; I feel no need to advertise it to the world!). But a week later I found he was still hanging out ‘in a relationship.’ Part of me wondered if he chose to remain in this category permanently, making it easier to just add a name when the next lady came along.

I guess not. Today he became single — according to the world of FB. When I saw it on my feed I thought “about time.”

And then the comments began.


“It’s about time. I didn’t want to say it, but it is,”

and [friend] likes your status were the first to appear.

The feeling it left in my stomach is the reason I don’t publicly comment on other people’s relationship changes. Everything is open to interpretation. Did his friend — who FB friended me when SS and I started dating and has commented on my statuses as recently as last week, ugh! — ‘like’ the status change because he disliked me? Or was he glad SS finally changed it after a week? Or does he know SS has a new interest and wants to see him move on? Or none of the above?

Was the person who wrote ‘about time’ know something about our relationship that SS never enlightened me about? Or is he just excited because he is friends with his ex? Or does he think SS spends too much time in relationships and not enough with himself? Or is there a completely other, irrelevant reason for his enthusiasm?

I’ll never know what was meant and it’s hard not to assume the worst. Therefore, I don’t want to see it.

I clicked unfriend and watched our connection instantaneously disappear. It felt as quick as the break-up.

The phrase ‘out of sight, out of mind’ may not accurately describe the break-up process, but ‘off the feed’ is a step in the right direction.

Pack it up, pack it in!

29 Jan

I stopped by the apartment the other night to grab some gym clothes on the way to meeting a girlfriend for a sweat-fest. As I walked in I thought, “Wow, did he clean up?” And he had.

He had straightened up everything — my books and DVDs were piled on the windowsill, my toiletries were bagged up on the shelf in the bathroom (minus the ones in the shower that he was using) and all my clothing, including the towels that had been hanging on the racks, were shoved in the closet, door closed.

It was as if he couldn’t stand to be around by my stuff. A small thought popped up, “Maybe it’s too hard to look at my things, which were as good as his things, knowing I wouldn’t be around anymore?” But I knew better.

He was collecting the remnants of ‘us’ and pushing them away — just as he did in his mind and in his heart.

The realization that he could so easily erase me from his life hurt more deeply than any other action had. I felt a deep sense of rejection.

I thought back to the holiday party we had attended only a month earlier at the house of a mutual friend of him and his ex-girlfriend. After leaving he explained that he had no interest in chatting with her, finding out what she was up to or divulging what was going on in his life. She was “in the past” and he didn’t care. With 100+ photos of their relationship, trips together and nights out on the town still posted on his Facebook page and website, I didn’t understand how he could ignore her role in his life. How could he view her as nothing put a piece of the past while he continued to advertise her to the online public?

Now, in the same place myself, I get it. I’ve been put in a box, on a shelf in his mind, to be left alone until I may pop up again.


I’m still up and down… sad followed by smiles, weak kicked out by strong, angry sprinkled with acceptance. So while hanging around my house on an upswing, I purged my own residence of his touch — clothes ripped from the closets, pillows thrown from the bed, gifts boxed away, until I had a nice little pile of ‘stuff,’ a representation of something I once trusted and believed in.

If he doesn’t want to be reminded of me, then he doesn’t deserve the space in my place that once welcomed him unconditionally.

The Big Move [On]

28 Jan

by sweethaa (flickr)

One of the most difficult obstacles in the moving on process is the point in which one of you finds someone new. Rarely do both people get there at the same time — and that first replacement is always the hardest to get your head around.

Currently, I feel the anguish of this situation hanging over me like a dark rain cloud. The past two January’s SS ended relationships replacing each with a new Mrs in a matter of weeks. If history repeats itself, SS will be spoiling a new lady soon and remaining connected with him to exchange our stuff — he has a LOT of stuff at my house — knowing someone new is sleeping on my side of the bed burns inside.

A lot of people move on instantaneously — rebounds, flings, time-occupying dates. Most of the time they are/were not ready for the big move on (unless you are Peter Klaven from the movie “I Love You, Man” and meet The One the day after leaving Not The One). But let’s be honest, it is much easier to seek out someone to fill the void instead of working to fill it independently.

Even my emotional self has left relationships feeling ready to take on something new, usually because I am craving something the previous relationship lacked. But each time I learned there was always something to get over, come to terms with or understand. I am now a strong believer that when you don’t come to terms with a break-up as it occurs it will join you in the next relationship, and maybe the one after that.

But even people who worked hard to stayed emotionally distant throughout a relationship still, I think, owe it some time alone. That person was a part of your day-to-day life — they were someone you shared your excitement and laughs with, someone you turned to for comfort and support. You relied on them, and they relied on you. Anyone important enough to hold a position like that in your life deserves some reflection and grief, don’t they?

Better yet if you loved and respected another person enough to give them so much of your time, don’t you owe yourself some time?

I know I deserve it!